Today I am tired…
Today is a cloudy day for me. Not physically, but mentally.
Depression can be a bitch. While I take medication for depression, I still have “cloudy” days.
They usually are never brought on by something but I wake up and it’s there. It’s there like a weight sitting on my chest.
It’s been awhile since I last posted. Life has been so… hard.
Recently I have been feeling like a failure. As most of you know, I am currently enrolled in nursing school. I am barely surviving this semester. I rewarded myself on Monday because I finally passed a test. FINALLY. I have literally failed every single test this semester besides the one on Monday.
Why is it that I can try so hard and never be good enough? I know that I will make an incredible nurse. I mean damn, I already am a nurse (LPN) and I am amazing. I see other people around who start to study the weekend before a test and come out with an incredible grade.
Today I am tired…
I work while I go to school and today as I write this I am at work. I have finished my assignment due this weekend and finished my coffee. My peers have slept in all day or gone out with their friends. They have enjoyed the beautiful weather today.
I on the other hand have not enjoyed my cloudy day. I miss William whom I feel as if I have not seen in days. My house is dirty and needs to be cleaned. The dogs are wild because I do not get to spend enough time with them outside. My bank account is dropping no matter how hard I work. I am behind on studying and projects that are due. I have a to-do-list that is a mile long.
Today I am tired…
It has been awhile since I last published about my crazy life and a lot has happened! So the future hubby and I took a trip to New Orleans to celebrate our engagement and then we later went up to Arkansas to see my family. I have to say that getting in the car and driving 6 hours away from all of the stress of life provides a breath of fresh air. Our vacation was beautiful. I felt so light and happy the whole trip. I got to laugh, eat good food, and wear pretty dresses instead of my ugly school scrubs. I got to cuddle with the Mr. and take daily naps. I could go on and on about how wonderful my trip was but instead I will share some pictures. Stay tuned for my next post 🙂
Eating beignets and enjoying a great cup of coffee @ Cafe Du Monde
My favorite place in New Orleans!
William bought a flower crown because obviously I am a princess. We also went to mass in the beautiful cathedral behind us.
I found my inner child while walking around New Orleans with William and a few of our friends. It was beautiful! The streets were full of lights, jazz music, art, and drinks. There was a section of the art gallery that promoted coloring with chalk on the street. I am not artistic so I decided to be that girl who writes names on streets. Also look at my kick butt chucks.
Our last night in New Orleans consisted of actually feeling my age. For once I actually stayed up past 10pm. William, myself, and our friends went out to a jazz bar that was performing live music. I laughed and danced with William and drank enough to be really sleepy. It was the most fun I have had in a very long time. For once I did not feel like a grandma.
So I encourage you to go out and take a breath of fresh air. Go dance, drink good beer, and play with chalk!
Today I feel the need to talk about the importance of loving yourself. This is a topic I have struggled with my whole life and continue to struggle with.
You see I am no skinny girl. I have always had “extra love” on me. I am not a size two (you should probably add about ten to that number) and I don’t have an hour glass figure. I see all of these beautiful women who are skinny/beautiful and I become embarrassed of myself. There have been times that I have sat next to or stood next to a small skinny woman and have felt like a giant who weighed 1000 pounds. Has anyone else felt like this?
And it’s not like I have not tried to loose the weight. I used to be an athlete in school and I currently am so busy I can’t tell you the last time I sat on my couch. I have tried diet after diet and have failed. I can tell you that I LOVE food ha! I am that person who loves pizza and eats a ton of ice cream when she is sad. I used to think I was the only person to have to talk to herself to turn down another cookie.
So what do I see when I look in the mirror?? I see a woman who is fat. I see a woman that no man could never desire. I see a woman that needs so much improvement. I see a woman who is only seen by the large arms and thunder thighs.
Except…. I know that is not what others see when they look at me.
My fiancé tells me on a daily basis how beautiful I am. It’s not one of those “you look nice tonight” comments. It’s on of these moments where he stops what he is doing and stares at me in admiration and simply stating “you are beautiful. I am a lucky man”. In that moment I melt. How can this gorgeous man think I am beautiful. Does he not see my chubby thighs or my obviously not flat stomach? But HE DOES NOT SEE IT. He sees beauty. He sees a woman that loves to have a good time and laughs at his dorky jokes. He sees a woman who plans to devote her life helping other people and dances with the dog in the kitchen. I am a very lucky woman. He makes me feel beautiful especially when I do not feel it. I can be lying in bed in a sweatshirt with greasy hair thrown in a bun and he will just give me that look that says it all. Every woman should feel the way he makes me feel.
So what am I trying to say here? I am trying to say that we as people should stop looking in the mirror with hatred towards our self. Stop looking at the double chins, the acne, or the flaws we think we have. In the words of Lady Gaga “I’m beautiful in all ways cause
God makes no mistakes”. We should love our selves. We should go out with friends and eat pizza. We should wear the clothes that makes us feel beautiful even if others might think something. We should try to see our selves in the eyes that others see us.
And without getting all religious I am a believer in God and I believe he made us beautiful. Now I am not saying that I should eat a large pizza by myself every day and not work out any, but I am saying that those things we “dislike” about our selves is silly. We are beautiful and God created us in his image.
SO I CHALLENGE YOU! (I am challenging myself as well so don’t worry). My challenge is to look in the mirror every day and say one nice thing to yourself. I challenge you to fall in love with yourself. I challenge you to find the beauty that everyone else sees in you. (Again talking to myself here). Love yourself.
So today is Wednesday and I am anxiously waiting for Friday. The future hubby and I are going to New Orleans to celebrate our engagement (WHAT?) Not to mention that we JUST moved into our house. It is looking pretty good considering we just moved in on Sunday. Everything is changing so fast. It feels like I blinked and everything was happening. Now I am not complaining because this is everything I have ever wanted. I guess it is just surprising because I never imagined I would be blessed with this beautiful life.
So on this rainy hump day I am sitting at school waiting to drink coffee and walk around New Orleans this weekend. It is pouring down rain (my perfect cuddle weather). So instead of studying I decided to start this blog. I guess we will see how it goes.
This blog is my own to write my feelings, talk about things going on in the world, and to share a glimpse of my crazy life. I have always loved to write and have started blog after blog but one of my goals this year is to do things I love such as writing and reading. I am excited to start this blog and excited to share my thoughts. 🙂